Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
