does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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