Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
