I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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