I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
