ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
