I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
