somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
it was like his penis was on wheels.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
