btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize