Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
50% drunk capacity currently
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
