I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
