are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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