i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
