careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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