my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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