I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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