Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
