This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
