I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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