Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
