I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize