dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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