the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
zippers are such a cool invention
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
