would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I am midnight drunk by noon
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
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