I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
