I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
