Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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