he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
