Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Sorry about my life...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
