i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
