if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
