guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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