batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
