All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
