Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
