I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
