Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
