I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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