You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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