Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
