Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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