I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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