I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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