just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
