She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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