I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
