Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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