he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
