Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
is wine microwaveable?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
