apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
