Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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