she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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