why didn't you poke me back
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
