I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
