By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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