She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
