she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
