Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
