I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
