He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
