Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
