apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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